The Seme's Handbook
by LadyClauditoria
Summary: Ever wondered what Usagi's secret is to being a seme? Well, as requested by evil fangirls, I have gone on an epic journey to find out! What will Misaki make of the truth behind being an Uke?


**After all this time, I am back on FF.N! This, of course, sucks for you because now you have to read the result of the plot bunnies invading my mind. Enjoy this strange little oneshot! ^^**

**DEDICATED: To all the plot bunnies out there, who continue to pervert our minds with strange thoughts ^^;;**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Junjou Romantica. Anyone know where I can buy the rights to it?**

Miss BeautyCatDemon sat upon Akihiko Usami's couch, notebook and pen in hand. Adjusting her glasses, she stared at the man before her.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Bunny."

Usami's eyebrow twitched.

"Your glasses… are your eyes bad?" Usami asked dully, lighting another 'death stick', otherwise known as a cigarette.

"Nope. I wanted to wear them to look professional," she replied calmly, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

"… You aren't a professional?"

"Of course not. The fangirls made me interview you, with a promise of cookies," she said, the blank look still on her face. "And if I didn't, they said they would… would…"

"Would what?"

Suddenly, she broke down into floods of tears.

"They said they would never EVER translate Acts 23 and 24 of the manga! I mean, I've been waiting for ever and if it never gets done… I just don't know what I would do!" She wept for a couple more minutes, and suddenly turned back to her normal self. "So, anyway, that's why I'm here."

_Oh, just great... more weirdoes in my house..._

"So…" Usami sighed. It seemed he was just going to have to put up with this psycho for a while, no matter how strange she was. "Shall we get this over with? Not too long though, because you can't cut into my Misaki time."

"No problem, there's just one question the fangirls have been dying to ask…" she said, jotting something down in her notebook before looking up at him.

"Hey, what are you writing? I haven't said anything yet!" He peered over at her notebook, where she had written: '_Misaki time: Starts about 4:00pm'_

"Hey, why are you writing that down? What does that have to do with anything?

"Oh, nothing," She said breezily. "The fangirls will just want to know the best time to put the hidden cameras in your bedroom."

From there on, Usami decided it was probably best not to mention Misaki or the events that may or may not happen in his bedroom. Or kitchen. Or bathroom. Or couch. Or car. Or against the wall.

"So yes, back to the interview. So, Mr. Bunny, all the fangirls are dying to know… What is the trick to being a seme? How on earth do you get those feisty ukes tamed?"

Usami smirked.

"My dear, there is but one secret to being a seme…" He whipped out a small book from his shirt. "This."

BeautyCatDemon peered closer to the book, and the cover read: '_The Seme's Handbook'_

"Wow! Let's have a look…"

She opened up the first page, and scanned over the contents.

'_No. 6: After sex, you wear the pyjama pants and your uke wears the shirt, just so you don't get distracted AGAIN by those cute little nipples._

'_No. 34: Understanding what your uke is trying to say can be hard- here are a few phrases the typical uke may say and their meaning;_

'_Stop it!' – 'Fuck me.'_

'_Don't touch me there!' – 'Fuck me.'_

'_What would you like for dinner?' – 'Fuck me.'_

'_Pass the butter please.' – 'Fuck me.'_

'_No. 65: Don't be discouraged by your uke running away - he wants you to chase after him and fuck him senseless.'_

'_No. 107: Simply making love in the bedroom is no fun for you or your uke – try different places, to add excitement into your sex life._

'_No. 368: The car you own should be a BMW, Mercedes, Porsche, or any other extra expensive make. Also, the seme's car should defy the laws of physics by being larger on the inside than on the outside for comfortable uke-smexing._

"Bullshit!"

BeautyCatDemon slowly turned around to see Misaki Takahashi standing behind her, blushing and fuming. He snatched the book from her hands.

"What the hell? When I run away, it's because I want to get away, I definitely don't want you to chase me!" He yelled, in Angry!Uke!Misaki mode.

"Misaki, the book doesn't lie," Usami purred. "If it makes you feel better, '_The Uke's Handbook'_ is right here." He handed the said book to Misaki who quickly took it.

"At last! Maybe it has ways to escape from stupid horny semes…" He opened the book, and then stopped. The book fell from his hand. His expression stood still on his face.

"Well, you'll have to excuse me Miss. BeautyCatDemon, but I have got things to do. Sorry the interview was so short, thanks for coming!" With that, he dragged Misaki upstairs.

A bead of sweat fell down the side of her face. Poor little Misaki... Suddenly, her attention turned to the discarded book, lying open on the floor. Curiously, she went over to it. Three simple words were written boldly on the page.

'ABANDON ALL HOPE.'


End file.
